Elmo Jenkins 4-5-6 Read online

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  Elmo Jenkins 4-5-6

  McMillian Moody

  Copyright © McMillian Moody 2016

  Published by Smashwords

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  (click the title below for more information)

  From Author Diane Moody

  Of Windmills and War

  The Runaway Pastor’s Wife

  Beyond the Shadow of War

  Blue Christmas

  Blue Like Elvis

  The Demise – A Mystery

  Confessions of a Prayer Slacker

  Tea with Emma

  The Teacup Novellas (Book One)

  Strike the Match

  The Teacup Novellas (Book Two)

  Home to Walnut Creek

  The Teacup Novellas (Book Three)

  At Legend’s End

  The Teacup Novellas (Book Four)

  The Christmas Peril

  The Teacup Novellas (Book Five)

  The Teacup Novellas – The Collection

  (All five Teacup Novellas)

  Hale Hale the Gang’s All Here

  A Family Cookbook

  A Christmas Bundle of 3

  Two Blue Novels

  From Author McMillian Moody

  Ordained Irreverence

  Elmo Jenkins (Book One)

  Some Things Never Change

  Elmo Jenkins (Book Two)

  The Old Man and the Tea

  Elmo Jenkins (Book Three)

  A Tale of Two Elmos

  Elmo Jenkins (Book Four)

  A Time 4 Friends

  Elmo Jenkins (Book Five)

  Hearts on Fire

  Elmo Jenkins (Book Six)

  The Elmo Jenkins Trilogy

  (The first three novels s in one volume)

  Also available in paperback

  The Elmo Jenkins Red Boxed Set

  (Includes first four novels)

  The Elmo Jenkins Novelettes

  All four novelettes in one volume

  (Also available in paperback)

  This trilogy includes the second three Elmo Jenkins novels in their unabridged form.

  A Tale of Two Elmos

  (released July 2014)

  A Time 4 Friends

  (released October 2015)

  Hearts on Fire

  (released September 2016)

  This trilogy is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, organizations, or persons living or dead is entirely coincidental and beyond the intent of either the author or the publisher. Though this is a work of fiction, many of the stories and anecdotes included were inspired by actual events that happened in the life of the author and those he worked with during his years in full time church ministry.

  DEDICATION

  To the hundreds-of-thousands of readers who have downloaded one, or more of the Elmo Jenkins novels. His adventures continue on because of you.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  To my gifted wife Diane. Thank you for the inspiration and the encouragement.

  Thanks to my wonderful editors Bev Harrison and Cyndi Hollman

  And a special thanks to Glenn Hale for his help with each book.

  And to the Potter. Continue to mold

  and squeeze and shape and smooth

  and fashion this vessel for Your use.

  .

  A Word from the Author

  This trilogy includes books four, five, and six in the Elmo Jenkins series. It picks up right after

  The Old Man and the Tea. To understand all the quirky characters, I suggest you get to know them by reading the first book, Ordained Irreverence (which is currently free), before jumping in on Elmo's latest adventures. Or, if it's been a while since you read the first book, you might like to browse back through it to enhance your reading of the sequels.

  Also for your benefit, there's a complete "Cast of Characters" included at the end of this trilogy.

  I sincerely appreciate your interest in these books and hope you find a few laughs along the way.

  McMillian Moody

  To download your free copy of Ordained Irreverence,

  Book One of the Elmo Jenkins series click HERE.

  Book Four

  1

  The Anniversary Party

  It was the best of times, it was the . . . Well, to be honest, things were motoring along quite nicely. Leaning my chair back on two legs against the north wall of the fellowship hall, I found myself smiling. Not one of those big oversized Bozo smiles‌—‌you know, the kind of smile you got from your mother when you introduced her to your first girlfriend. No, my smiling was more subtle, more controlled‌—‌the smile of a young man with all eight cylinders in sync‌—‌at least for the moment.

  Surveying the large room, I enjoyed watching the conversations and laughter of friends and co-workers as together we celebrated my five-year anniversary at First Church. I truly felt blessed to be here. So much had happened since I’d first stumbled—literally—into the church and started my internship. That fateful day now a fond memory lodged in the yonder recesses of my mind.

  Par for the course, reality quickly reasserted itself. My gentle musings came to an abrupt halt as the back legs of the metal folding chair slipped out from under me. I came banging down hard on the tile floor. The loud ka-boom reverberated around the fellowship hall like a bowling ball fired from a cannon. Just another classic Elmo Jenkins moment. I quickly jumped up like it didn’t hurt, but you and I both know it did. Bad!

  Never one to miss an opportunity to twist the knife, Thurm announced out over the gathering, “Just like Elmo to crash his own party.”

  Bravely laughing along with everyone else, I vainly tried to convince myself that they were laughing with me, and not at me. Perhaps a piece of cake would salve my bruised ego. Flashing a faux-smile, I limped over to the refreshments table.

  Juliann was manning the cut-glass punch bowl, which was predictably filled with classic church fellowship punch. The ingredients always the same: 7-Up and pineapple juice with a dollop of lime sherbet thrown in for texture. Ahhh! The proverbial murky green liquid with the toxic-waste style foam on the surface.

  “Juliann, give me a double. Please.”

  “Hey Elmo, nasty fall. Bet that hurt?” She giggled as she deftly filled my cup using one of those dollar store clear plastic ladles.

  I ignored her question. “Where’s your burly husband this morning? With free cake out in the open, I would’ve expected Jimbo here early.”

  Juliann had married Jimmy “Cornbread” Jackson a few years back. I did the ceremony, and well . . . that’s a story for another day. The next time you’re in need of a good chuckle, do a Google search for the words: Jackson‌—‌nuptials‌—‌explosion. Let’s just say their marriage started off with a bang.

  Jimmy had recently joined the First Church staff taking over for Johnny Rochelle as our new Recreation Director. Johnny was traded to the Whispering Creek Community Church for two youth interns and a facilities manager to be named later.

  Juliann’s eyes narrowed. “Now Elmo, you quit getting on Jimmy ’bout his weight. He’s working on it.” She playfully popped me on the shoulder.
After marrying Juliann, who cooked southern cuisine exclusively, Jimmy had added another seventy-five pounds to his already large frame.

  First Church had experienced considerable transition over the last several years. Most significantly, the church had successfully traversed a precarious regime change. Pastor Horace Jorgensen retired and moved to the Cook Islands to golf and to write the definitive commentary on Ezekiel. (Yikes!) Eighteen months later, after an extensive, high stakes, nationwide search fraught with peril, we welcomed our new pastor, the one and only Billy Pike Jameson. Pastor Pike, his preferred title, was a veritable ball of liquid energy. All of about five-foot-five, the lithe thirty-something Midwesterner was the antithesis of his predecessor. Forget golf; Pastor Pike liked to hunt, and the bigger the game the better. He was married to the equally energetic redhead Sassie LeMay, who’d chosen to retain her maiden name. They had three precocious daughters, the infamous pre-teen Jameson triplets‌—‌Polly, Peggy, and Patty.

  Sadly, First Church had also lost a few friends along the way. Pastor Fred Snooker and Dunston Jones died on the same day. While collaborating on The Black Toe Enigma coffee table book, the two men had become good friends. Thus, a decision was made to hold a joint funeral which turned into a community celebration; a special day that did both men proud.

  As for Thurm? My best friend was briefly engaged to one of the Korean twins, but the cultural and language barriers proved to be too much of a stumbling block. Consequently, the search for his perfect mate continues on.

  Thurm stepped up to the microphone. “As you all know, Elmo’s my best friend. So I’ve been asked to share a few thoughts at today’s celebration.”

  Uh oh.

  He continued. “Someone important once said if you want me to speak for five minutes, give me an hour to prepare. Whereas, if you want me to speak for an hour, all I need is five minutes to prepare. Well, Pastor Pike asked me five minutes ago to say a few words, so I have no idea where this is going.” The room erupted in laughter.

  I grimaced. This is going to be painful.

  “Elmo, why don’t you bring that boyish grin of yours on up here to the front?”

  As I made my way to the podium, I had the sinking feeling I was walking into an impromptu roast. Thurm was the quintessential roast-master. This was square in his wheelhouse.

  He gave me a bear hug and then positioned me to his right. “Some of you may remember the humble beginnings that greeted Ellington Montgomery Jenkins when he arrived at First Church five years ago. Biblically speaking, when he got here there was no office room in the inn. So, they placed him in that jankity custodial closet on the second floor of the education building. Ah, the travails of a lowly church intern. But was Elmo discouraged by this humiliating career setback? You bet he was! Who wouldn’t be? Have you seen that place? But still he forged on.”

  Thurm deadpanned. “So much material, so little time.” Again the room burst into laughter.

  He adjusted the mic. “The Elmo Jenkins escapades of the last five years have become the stuff of legend and lore. Who could forget the time he pronounced that poor pregnant girl in the baptistery married instead of baptized. Or the time he gave the Sunday morning announcements, turned to walk off the platform, and fell headlong into the orchestra pit. And then there was the Jimbo and Juliann wedding debacle with its two million YouTube downloads.” He smiled at Juliann.

  “Of course, there’s the other side of Elmo Jenkins. Like the time he rescued Scotty Lichen from falling off the roof and simultaneously saved my job. Or the time he talked Jeremy Cantor back from the edge of suicide.

  “Yet, when I ponder Elmo’s tenure here at First Church, I think of the guy who stepped into the gap and helped this grand old church successfully pivot toward the future. And for that heroic feat, he gets my For Such a Time as This award for the last five years.

  “Elmo, it’s a privilege to call you friend, and a joy to minister alongside you. I love you, brother.” Thurm gave me another hug as the crowd broke into applause.

  I fought back the tears. “Thanks Thurm, the feeling’s mutual.”

  Pastor Pike stepped up to the mic and quieted the room. “Well done, Thurm. As everyone knows, working for a church is like playing for the NFL. If you make it to your fifth anniversary with all of your limbs still attached and your confidence still intact, you’re one of a rare breed. Elmo, we celebrate this milestone with you. Bonnie, would you come up her and join Elmo?” He paused as she made her way to the front. “I’m now going to turn the mic over to our administrator Bob Stevens for a special presentation.”

  Bob Stevens approached the podium and took the microphone. “As most of you know, I’m now universally known as Bob ‘Big Bird’ Stevens, or Big Bird for short. I have Elmo to thank for this doltish moniker, but I hold no personal grudges. I’ve been called much worse. Just ask Harry Simpkins.” Raucous laughter led by Harry himself rolled through the room.

  Bob continued. “When one of our ministers makes it to five years here at First Church, as a token of our appreciation, we give them a weekend away with all expenses paid. This is made possible through a special trust fund that was established by Smitty Fitzsimons’s Will. So, Elmo and Bonnie, we’re sending you away for three days and two nights to the wonderful resort town of Eureka Springs, Arkansas. You’ll be staying in the Pinnacle Suite of the historic Crescent Hotel. I’ve been there several times myself, and it’s a great place to get away for a few days.” A courtesy round of applause followed.

  Bob handed me an envelope and vigorously shook my hand.

  I stepped up to the podium as the applause died down. “Well, I’m not sure what to say. First, a clarification. It was Tom Applebee who first coined Bob’s Big Bird nickname‌—‌though I do accept my share of blame for helping make it world famous. Or I guess that would be infamous.” I winked at Bob.

  “Okay, let’s see. Thank you, thank you‌—‌thank you all for this kind gift. But more than that, thank you for allowing me to serve here at First Church with you. I still can’t believe it’s been five years. Wow!” I cleared my throat.

  “I can honestly say I’m super-excited about what God is doing in our church, and I look forward with great anticipation to what the next five years will bring. Thanks for being my friends, and thanks for being patient with this young greenhorn.”

  I gave Bonnie a hug and shook Thurm’s hand.

  As the group gave me the obligatory “standing O,” Thurm leaned in and lowered his voice. “Nicely done.” He then paused briefly. “By the way, you’re currently experiencing a wardrobe malfunction,” he said, snickering.

  “What?!”

  “Don’t look down, but your fly is wide open.”

  Dang!

  As Thurm and I headed back to our offices, I pinched his shoulder.

  “Ouch! What’s that for?”

  “You had to bring up that old baptism story, didn’t ya? Just when I was starting to believe that humiliating pratfall had been expunged from my past, you go and give it a reboot.”

  “Sorry, Elmo. Pastor Pike kind of short-noticed me, and I didn’t have adequate time to fully think through the ramifications of what I was saying. Besides, that story’s golden and won’t soon be forgotten.”

  “I disagree. I’ve spent some time contemplating this, and I predict it will take approximately seven years for my early bad press reports to disappear. That’s if my good friends will keep their big mouths shut.”

  “Why seven years?” Thurm scratched his head.

  “Statistically, a church’s congregation turns over every seven years, and it usually takes less time for the staff to flip. Of course, there’re some long-tenured members who linger around, but by and large, it’s a new crowd every seven years. I figure if I can just keep a lid on some of my beginner’s missteps for a couple more years, they’ll go the way of the dodo.”

  “Dude, you’re a dodo. Who thinks this way?” He shook his head laughing.

  “Hey, dooood. I successfully sur
vived my five-year ministry break-in period, and now I’m ready to start with a clean slate.”

  Thurm’s eyes grew large. “Speaking of break-ins, did you hear about the burglary at the Strickland’s house?” He opened his office door, and I followed him in.

  “Ansel and Betty’s?”

  “Yep. Somebody broke in while they were gone and virtually cleaned them out. All their jewelry, electronics, wall art, oriental rugs, and even some of their furniture and bathroom fixtures.”

  “Wow. How are they holding up?” I plopped down in one of his office chairs.

  “Fortunately they were insured to the roof, but I’m sure they still feel violated and afraid to live in their own house. I’d be ticked. Some of the items taken were family heirlooms that can’t be replaced.”

  “Who told you about this?”

  “I heard it from Harry. Betty’s one of his choir members. Supposedly, there’s been a rash of these burglaries lately. I’ve decided to pick up some extra deadbolts for my outside doors.”

  “Well, if they break into our house, they won’t find much of value to steal.” I laughed. “Maybe Colby’s pet car seat. Or perhaps Bonnie’s collection of spurious herbal supplements. Otherwise, it’s pretty slim pickins’. It’s actually a bit depressing, when you think about it.”